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- Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
- Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's had two warnings.
- Q. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A. Spit, swallow and gargle.
- Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
- Q. What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
- Q. What do you call a Playboy centerfold that is a lesbian?
A. Bitch.
- Q. What do you call a woman who can suck an apple through a water hose?
A. Darling.
- Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.
- Q. Why do women skydivers wear tampons?
A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
- Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
- Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
- Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" so they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
- Q. How can a woman tell she is flat-chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the only bumps she sees are knees.
- Q. What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's degrading to the woman.
- Q. Why is a woman's pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
- Q. What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
- Q. What's the smartest thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
A. Albert Einstein's dick.
- Q. How is a woman like a condom?
A. Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
- Q. Why do women have periods?
A. Because they deserve them.
- Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
- Q. What should you give a woman who has everything?
A. A man to show her how to work it.
- Q. Why did God make man first?
A. He didn't want to have a woman looking over his shoulder.
- Q. What do Kermit the Frog and Roseanne's husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.
- Q. What do you call that useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A. A woman.
- Q. What is the definition of a menstrual period?
A. A bloody waste of fucking time.
- Q. If your wife comes out of the kitchen to nag at you, whats wrong?
A. Her chain is too long.
- Q. How should you help your woman with the housework?
A. Lift your legs while she vacuums.
- Q. Why does it take 5 women with PMT to change a lightbulb?
A. (Scream) IT JUST DOES!!
- Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. More to the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
- Q. How can you tell if a woman really likes oral sex?
A. She hikes up her skirt every time someone yawns.
- Q. How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
- Q. What three rings are associated with marriage?
A. Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
- Q. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A. They start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but you still lose your house.
- Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
- Q. Why is a laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
- Q. How can a woman tell if her pussy really stinks?
A. A fly lands on it and throws up.
- Q. What's love?
A. The delusion that one woman is different from another.
- Q. What do you do when the dishwasher won't work?
A. Kick the bitch.
- Q. Why are tornadoes usually named after women?
A. Because what starts off as a small blow ends up taking half your house.
- Q. How can you tell a woman is really trashy?
A. She brings a date to her wedding.
- Q. How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A. A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.
- Q. How are clams like women?
A. When the tide comes you don't eat them.
- Q. What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
- Q. Why did the Army send so many women with PMT to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for four days.
- Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you dont want your friends to see you on one.
- Q. Why can't you trust women?
A. How can you trust something that can bleed for five days and not die?
- Q. What is the best thing about a blowjob?
A. Ten minutes of silence.
- Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
- Q. What do women and jelly have in common?
A. They both wiggle when you eat them.
- Q. What is the definition of a woman?
A. A life support system for a pussy.
- Q. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist (waste)?
A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
- Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they won't leave snail tracks.
- Q. Why do women have arms?
A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
- Q. What 2 things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
A. Her legs.
- Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A. Divorced.
- Q. There are two fleas on a pussy. One is smoking dope, what's the other one doing?
A. Sniffing crack.
- Q. What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
A. One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
- Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
- One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and begins caressing
her. "I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an appointment with the
gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, feeling rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow
too?"
- A man tells his friend he's given his wife a bunch of flowers. "She had better spend
the entire weekend on her back with her legs in the air," he says, to which his friend
replies, "Why, don't you have a vase?"
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