James Hoskin's

260 ways to insult someones mother

Your mother's so fat:

She was mistaken for God's bowling ball.
When her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
She had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Her favorite dress is a tent.
She left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops.
She has to iron her clothes on the driveway.
She needs a building permit for her girdle.
She puts on her belt with a boomerang.
She puts on tampons with a bazooka.
She has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller.
She needed her ears pierced with a harpoon.
When she sat on a coin, blood came out of the Queen's nose.
The Department of Transport makes her wear a "Caution, Wide Turn" sign.
When she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please".
When she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued..."
When she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock".
The last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
When she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
She has her own postcode.
The phone company gave her two area codes.
People jog around her for exercise.
When she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy.
When she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI!"
When she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters try to land on her.
She shows up on radar.
When she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling ball.
She couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.
They use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping, and they still hit the ground.
She looks at a menu and goes, "Okay!"
When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
When she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
When the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.
When she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy!"
Willy freed her.
She makes Free Willy look like a Tic Tac.
The difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds.
When she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.
When she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean.
When she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D".
She measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big!
She was Miss Arizona -- class battleship.
She's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
Her graduation picture had to be an aerial view.
She has to fly cargo class.
She has to wear a sock on each toe.
She's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat.
The MET office assigns names to her farts.
She qualifies for group insurance.
When she steps on gum, she can tell you what flavor it is.
The shadow of her ass weighs 50 lbs.
She needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button.
Her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does.
When I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas.
You have to grease the door frame and hold chocolate on the other side just to get her through.
Even God can't lift her spirits.
God said "Let there be Light", and moved her fat ass.
Her nickname is "DAAAMN!".
She sells shade in the summer.
Cows graze by her for the shade.
When she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.
She got on an airplane and only the wings took off.
When she told the airport she needed to fly right away, they stamped "Goodyear" on her ass and put her on the runway!
The airport categorizes her ass as carry-on luggage.
She lost at Hide and Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.
She could be the eighth continent.
She farted and put herself into orbit.
I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back.
I gotta ride a bus and two trains to get on her good side.
When your family wants to watch home movies, they dress her in white and seat her in front.
Her ass has got more meat than a supermarket has in stock.
Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over some food.
I got rich by making her sit on coal.
The only thing attracted to her is gravity.
Small objects tend to orbit her.
She's got tan lines from the refridgerator light.
Her belly button's got an echo.
I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!

Your mother's so stupid:

I caught her looking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
It took her half an hour to make minute rice.
She thought a hot meal was stolen food.
She put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog.
She bought a solar-powered flashlight.
She invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
She got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's.
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get back change.
She took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif.
She thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico.
She spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate".
I told her it was chilly outside, so she went and got a bowl.
She thought Beirut was a famous politician.
She reverses the charges when she calls pagers.
She tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
They had to burn her school down just to get her out of the first year.
She asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?"
She stands up on an empty bus.
When you were born, she looked at the umbilical cord and said, "Hey, it comes with cable."
She sold her car for petrol money.
She checked the Lost and Found when she missed her period.
When I asked her to buy me a colour TV, she asked me what colour.
When she saw the "18" sign at the cinema (Under 18 Not Admitted), she went home and got 17 friends.
She saw a "Wet Floor" sign, so she took a piss.
She got fired from a blow-job.
She went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed.
I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
She thought polos were donut seeds.
She only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flipflops.
She writes "Thank You" notes for her bills.
She put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house!
She married your daddy.
She cooks with Old Spice.
I know she's been using my computer when I see the Tip-ex on my screen.

Your mother's so ugly:

Your dad takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye.
She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
When she tried joining an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!"
She makes blind kids cry.
I can fuck her in any position and its still doggy style.
When she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back.
The last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
The psychiatrist makes her lie face-down.
When she gets up, the sun goes down.
The government moved Halloween to her birthday.
On Halloween, people go as her.
She has to "Trick or Treat" over the phone.
Instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
When she walked into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck.
When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
When she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it."
When she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
They push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies.
When I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back."
They put her in the zoo to keep the monkeys from jerking off.
They filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
Her mum had to be drunk to breastfeed her.
Her mum had to tie a steak around her neck so the dogs would play with her.
Her mum had to feed her with a slingshot.
Her American Express card left home without her.
When she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes.
When she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows.
Her parents first named her "Accident".
They knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
She must've been born on the motorway; that's where most accidents happen.
I saved her life by killing a shit-eating dog on the way over.
Condom advocates wanted to use her as a poster child.
She makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
She made a freight train take a dirt road.

Your mother's so poor:

She can't pay attention.
When I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
When I ring the doorbell, she has to say, "DING!"
Burglars break into house so they can leave money.
She can only afford the "Wel" on the "Welcome" mat.
She waves around a popscicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.
She's trying to get married so she can get the rice at the wedding.
Your TV's got two channels: on and off.
She eats cereal with a fork so she can save milk.
When she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers.
They put her face on a foodstamp.
She used a tumbleweed for a Christmas tree.
She hangs the toilet paper to dry.
I saw her wrestle a squirrel for a peanut.
You can't kill the roaches in your house, cause they pay half the rent.

Your mother's so old:

She remembers the Grand Canyon when it was a ditch.
You gotta call the fire department when you light her birthday candles.
Her birth certificate was in Roman numerals.
Her national insurance number is zero-zero-zero-zero-one.
I told her to act her own age and the bitch died.
She's older than anything in the local antique store.
When she ran track in high school, they timed her with a sundial.
She was a waitress at the Last Supper.
She's got Jesus' pager number.
When Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side fishing.
When she reads the bible she reminisces.
She co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments.
She has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
She left her purse on Noah's Ark.
Her birth certificate says, "Expired!" on it.
When you ask for her ID, she hands you a rock.
She farts out dust.
She squirts powdered milk out her nipples.
The milk in her tits is stale.
Her tits are a 34-long.
When she gave birth, YOU came out with dentures.
She knew the Garden of Eden when it was a plant.
I found cave drawings of her.
She used a brontosaurus to get her drivers' license.
I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off.
Jurassic Park brought back memories.

Your mother's:

Butt is so big, she's taller when she sits down.
So hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her!
So hairy, when you came out, you got rug burn.
So hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
So hairy, when she asked for a trim at the beauty salon, the stylist opened up her shirt.
So hairy, she's got afros on her nipples.
So hairy, she's got a goatee growing around her belly button.
Nose is so big, she picks it with a boxing glove.
Nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.
Nose hairs are so long, she can have them braided.
Armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
So bald, you can see what's on her mind.
So bald, she looks like an overgrown testicle.
Feet are so big, they need license plates.
House is so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.
House is so small, I threw a rock through your window and it hit everybody.
House is so small, the front and back doors are on the same hinge.
House is so dirty, I have to wipe my feet before I go outside.
House must be made of toilet paper, because your whole family's full of shit.
Ears are so big, she can't hold cigarettes behind them.
Ears are so big, she gets satellite reception.
Teeth are so bad, her dentures' got cavities.
Teeth are so yellow, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
Teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.
Teeth are so yellow, she'd put the sun out of business.
Teeth are so yellow, you never needed a crayon to color the sun.
Teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, people start singing, "I got sunshine, on a cloudy day...".
Breath is so bad, when she yawns, her teeth yell, "DUCK!"
Breath is so bad, when she stuck out her tongue, it was on a stretcher.
Breath is so bad, her gums went on strike.
Breath is so bad, people look forward to her farts.
Lips are so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.
So skinny her nipples touch.
So skinny, if she had a big toe, she'd look like a golf club.
So skinny, she can peep through the keyhole with both eyes.
Twice the man you are.
Strong, then again smell isn't everything.
Arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Missing a finger and can't count past nine.
Got a head so small, she uses a teabag for a pillow.
Got one leg and a bicycle.
Got no fingers and a banjo.
Got no ears, but she still says, "I hear ya!".
Got green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Got a bald head with a parting and sideburns.
Got no neck and they call her Head and Shoulders.
Got only two fingers and she asks people to "gimme five".
Got an afro with a chinstrap.
Got three teeth; one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
Got one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
Got one short leg and walks in circles.
Got one short arm and can't applaud.
Got everything a man can want: muscles, a big chest, and a beard.
Like a screen door, the more I bang her the looser she gets.
Like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, everyone gets a poke.
Like peanut butter, smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.
A great golf course, everyone gets a hole in one.
Like a shotgun, one cock and she blows.
Like a rifle, four cocks and she's loaded.
Like a refridgerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
Like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long.
Like Chinese food, sweet, sour, and cheap.
Like a bowling ball, you pick her up, shove your fingers into her, throw her in the gutter and she still comes back for more.
So slutty, she could suck-start a Harley.
So slutty, her legs are like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day.
So slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
So slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs.
So slutty, I had to park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in.

comments, broken links, suggestions?

		James Hoskin's 260 ways to insult someones mother

		Your mother's so fat: She was mistaken for God's bowling ball. When her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. She had to go to Sea World to get baptized. Her favorite dress is a tent. She left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops. She has to iron her clothes on the driveway. She needs a building permit for her girdle. She puts on her belt with a boomerang. She puts on tampons with a bazooka. She has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller. She needed her ears pierced with a harpoon. When she sat on a coin, blood came out of the Queen's nose. The Department of Transport makes her wear a "Caution, Wide Turn" sign. When she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please". When she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued..." When she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock". The last time she saw 90210 was on a scale. The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs. When she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. When she bends over we lose an hour of daylight. She has her own postcode. The phone company gave her two area codes. People jog around her for exercise. When she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy. When she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI!" When she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters try to land on her. She shows up on radar. When she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling ball. She couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates. They use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping, and they still hit the ground. She looks at a menu and goes, "Okay!" When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again." When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate. When she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains." When the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them. When she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy!" Willy freed her. She makes Free Willy look like a Tic Tac. The difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds. When she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun. When she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean. When she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D". She measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big! She was Miss Arizona -- class battleship. She's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book. Her graduation picture had to be an aerial view. She has to fly cargo class. She has to wear a sock on each toe. She's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat. The MET office assigns names to her farts. She qualifies for group insurance. When she steps on gum, she can tell you what flavor it is. The shadow of her ass weighs 50 lbs. She needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button. Her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does. When I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas. You have to grease the door frame and hold chocolate on the other side just to get her through. Even God can't lift her spirits. God said "Let there be Light", and moved her fat ass. Her nickname is "DAAAMN!". She sells shade in the summer. Cows graze by her for the shade. When she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her. She got on an airplane and only the wings took off. When she told the airport she needed to fly right away, they stamped "Goodyear" on her ass and put her on the runway! The airport categorizes her ass as carry-on luggage. She lost at Hide and Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas. She could be the eighth continent. She farted and put herself into orbit. I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back. I gotta ride a bus and two trains to get on her good side. When your family wants to watch home movies, they dress her in white and seat her in front. Her ass has got more meat than a supermarket has in stock. Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over some food. I got rich by making her sit on coal. The only thing attracted to her is gravity. Small objects tend to orbit her. She's got tan lines from the refridgerator light. Her belly button's got an echo. I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her! Your mother's so stupid: I caught her looking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side. It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes. It took her half an hour to make minute rice. She thought a hot meal was stolen food. She put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog. She bought a solar-powered flashlight. She invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses. She got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get back change. She took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif. She thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico. She spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate". I told her it was chilly outside, so she went and got a bowl. She thought Beirut was a famous politician. She reverses the charges when she calls pagers. She tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it. They had to burn her school down just to get her out of the first year. She asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?" She stands up on an empty bus. When you were born, she looked at the umbilical cord and said, "Hey, it comes with cable." She sold her car for petrol money. She checked the Lost and Found when she missed her period. When I asked her to buy me a colour TV, she asked me what colour. When she saw the "18" sign at the cinema (Under 18 Not Admitted), she went home and got 17 friends. She saw a "Wet Floor" sign, so she took a piss. She got fired from a blow-job. She went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed. I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod. She thought polos were donut seeds. She only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flipflops. She writes "Thank You" notes for her bills. She put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house! She married your daddy. She cooks with Old Spice. I know she's been using my computer when I see the Tip-ex on my screen. Your mother's so ugly: Your dad takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye. She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning. When she tried joining an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!" She makes blind kids cry. I can fuck her in any position and its still doggy style. When she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back. The last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train. The psychiatrist makes her lie face-down. When she gets up, the sun goes down. The government moved Halloween to her birthday. On Halloween, people go as her. She has to "Trick or Treat" over the phone. Instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck. When she walked into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck. When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother. When she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it." When she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end. They push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies. When I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back." They put her in the zoo to keep the monkeys from jerking off. They filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower. Her mum had to be drunk to breastfeed her. Her mum had to tie a steak around her neck so the dogs would play with her. Her mum had to feed her with a slingshot. Her American Express card left home without her. When she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes. When she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows. Her parents first named her "Accident". They knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock! She must've been born on the motorway; that's where most accidents happen. I saved her life by killing a shit-eating dog on the way over. Condom advocates wanted to use her as a poster child. She makes me wish birth control is retroactive. She made a freight train take a dirt road. Your mother's so poor: She can't pay attention. When I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving." When I ring the doorbell, she has to say, "DING!" Burglars break into house so they can leave money. She can only afford the "Wel" on the "Welcome" mat. She waves around a popscicle stick and calls it air-conditioning. She's trying to get married so she can get the rice at the wedding. Your TV's got two channels: on and off. She eats cereal with a fork so she can save milk. When she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers. They put her face on a foodstamp. She used a tumbleweed for a Christmas tree. She hangs the toilet paper to dry. I saw her wrestle a squirrel for a peanut. You can't kill the roaches in your house, cause they pay half the rent. Your mother's so old: She remembers the Grand Canyon when it was a ditch. You gotta call the fire department when you light her birthday candles. Her birth certificate was in Roman numerals. Her national insurance number is zero-zero-zero-zero-one. I told her to act her own age and the bitch died. She's older than anything in the local antique store. When she ran track in high school, they timed her with a sundial. She was a waitress at the Last Supper. She's got Jesus' pager number. When Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side fishing. When she reads the bible she reminisces. She co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments. She has a picture of Moses in her yearbook. She left her purse on Noah's Ark. Her birth certificate says, "Expired!" on it. When you ask for her ID, she hands you a rock. She farts out dust. She squirts powdered milk out her nipples. The milk in her tits is stale. Her tits are a 34-long. When she gave birth, YOU came out with dentures. She knew the Garden of Eden when it was a plant. I found cave drawings of her. She used a brontosaurus to get her drivers' license. I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off. Jurassic Park brought back memories. Your mother's: Butt is so big, she's taller when she sits down. So hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her! So hairy, when you came out, you got rug burn. So hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker. So hairy, when she asked for a trim at the beauty salon, the stylist opened up her shirt. So hairy, she's got afros on her nipples. So hairy, she's got a goatee growing around her belly button. Nose is so big, she picks it with a boxing glove. Nose is so big, you can go bowling with her boogers. Nose hairs are so long, she can have them braided. Armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock. So bald, you can see what's on her mind. So bald, she looks like an overgrown testicle. Feet are so big, they need license plates. House is so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside. House is so small, I threw a rock through your window and it hit everybody. House is so small, the front and back doors are on the same hinge. House is so dirty, I have to wipe my feet before I go outside. House must be made of toilet paper, because your whole family's full of shit. Ears are so big, she can't hold cigarettes behind them. Ears are so big, she gets satellite reception. Teeth are so bad, her dentures' got cavities. Teeth are so yellow, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. Teeth are so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles. Teeth are so yellow, she'd put the sun out of business. Teeth are so yellow, you never needed a crayon to color the sun. Teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, people start singing, "I got sunshine, on a cloudy day...". Breath is so bad, when she yawns, her teeth yell, "DUCK!" Breath is so bad, when she stuck out her tongue, it was on a stretcher. Breath is so bad, her gums went on strike. Breath is so bad, people look forward to her farts. Lips are so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray. So skinny her nipples touch. So skinny, if she had a big toe, she'd look like a golf club. So skinny, she can peep through the keyhole with both eyes. Twice the man you are. Strong, then again smell isn't everything. Arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear. Missing a finger and can't count past nine. Got a head so small, she uses a teabag for a pillow. Got one leg and a bicycle. Got no fingers and a banjo. Got no ears, but she still says, "I hear ya!". Got green hair and thinks she's a tree. Got a bald head with a parting and sideburns. Got no neck and they call her Head and Shoulders. Got only two fingers and she asks people to "gimme five". Got an afro with a chinstrap. Got three teeth; one in her mouth and two in her pocket. Got one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying. Got one short leg and walks in circles. Got one short arm and can't applaud. Got everything a man can want: muscles, a big chest, and a beard. Like a screen door, the more I bang her the looser she gets. Like the Pillsbury Dough Boy, everyone gets a poke. Like peanut butter, smooth, creamy, and easy to spread. A great golf course, everyone gets a hole in one. Like a shotgun, one cock and she blows. Like a rifle, four cocks and she's loaded. Like a refridgerator, everyone puts their meat in her. Like a bus, guys climb on and off her all day long. Like Chinese food, sweet, sour, and cheap. Like a bowling ball, you pick her up, shove your fingers into her, throw her in the gutter and she still comes back for more. So slutty, she could suck-start a Harley. So slutty, her legs are like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day. So slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change. So slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs. So slutty, I had to park my dick on her ass and wait an hour to get in.

comments, broken links, suggestions?