James Hoskin's
chilli cook-off report
Notes from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East coast of America:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser truck when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
| Chilli #1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli | |
|---|---|
| Judge # 1 | A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. |
| Judge # 2 | Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. |
| Chilli #2 Arthur's Afterburner Chilli | |
| Judge # 1 | Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. |
| Judge # 2 | Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. |
| Chilli #3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli | |
| Judge # 1 | Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans. |
| Judge # 2 | A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer. |
| Chilli #4 Bubba's Black Magic | |
| Judge # 1 | Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing. |
| Judge # 2 | Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound woman is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac? |
| Chilli #5 Linda Legal Lip Remover | |
| Judge # 1 | Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. |
| Judge # 2 | Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I really am burning my lips off. The other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. |
| Chilli #6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety | |
| Judge # 1 | Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers. |
| Judge # 2 | The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I followed through when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except the barmaid Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bottom with a snow cone. |
| Chilli #7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli | |
| Judge # 1 | A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers. |
| Judge # 2 | Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. |
| Judge # 3 (Frank) | You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a lava-like substance that matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. |
| Chilli #8 Tom's Tongue Tickler | |
| Judge # 1 | The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. |
| Judge # 2 | This final entry is a good, balance chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli. |