James Hoskin's

drinker's troubleshooting guide

  
 
SYMPTOM:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and shirt front is wet.
FAULT:Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
SOLUTION:Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
  
SYMPTOM:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and beer unusually pale and clear.
FAULT:Glass is empty.
SOLUTION:Find someone who will buy you another pint.
  
SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
SOLUTION:Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
  
SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:Loss of self-control.
SOLUTION:Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
  
SYMPTOM:Lap cool and wet.
FAULT:Drooling on yourself.
SOLUTION:Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.
  
SYMPTOM:Bar blurred.
FAULT:You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
SOLUTION:Find someone who will buy you another pint.
  
SYMPTOM:Bar moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
SOLUTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.
  
SYMPTOM:Bar looks like a circus.
FAULT:You're at a circus.
SOLUTION:Go to a bar.
  
SYMPTOM:The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
FAULT:You have fallen over backwards.
SOLUTION:If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
  
SYMPTOM:Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and cigarette butts.
FAULT:You have fallen over forwards.
SOLUTION:Same as for falling over backwards.
  
SYMPTOM:Everything has gone dim.
FAULT:The pub is closing.
SOLUTION:PANIC!!

  

  
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