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- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
- "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards would be available in shops.
- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball was out of play.
- Birth control would come in beer or lager.
- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the sporting team of your choice.
- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
- "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car.
- It would be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
- Tanks would be far easier to rent.
- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
- Valentine's Day would be moved to 29 February so it would only occur in leap years.
- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same - but it would be celebrated once a month.
- All police shows would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops or the crooks.
- All medical shows would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the doctors and surgeons.
- Richard and Judy would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the London Eye for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of petrol.
- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.
- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
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