James Hoskin's

windows 95 definition

Windows 95: n. 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand for 1 bit of competition.
 

penis tax

The only thing that the Taxation Office has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts. Effective April 1st 2005, the penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!
 

employee review

One day, a Project Leader was asked to submit a review of one of his employees. He wrote the following:

"Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob
be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will
be executed as soon as possible.

Regards - Project Leader"

Shortly after, the HR department received the following further memo from the Project Leader:

"Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.
Regards - Project Leader"
 

Essex girls

An Essex girl and a paddy are having a drink in a bar and the paddy is wearing a pair of wellies. One of the wellies has an 'L' on it and the other has an 'R' on it.
The girl asks the paddy "Why are your wellies like that?"
"Well" says Paddy "I'm a bit thick so I have an 'L' to tell me that its my left foot and an 'R' to tell its my right foot for when I put them on"
"Wow" says the Essex girl "now I know why my knickers have got C&A on them"!
 

bronze sculpture

One day, a man walks into a antique shop in London. Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat in a dark corner.
The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price. "£20 for the rat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it." "I'll take the rat," says the man, "but you can keep the story." The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two rats emerge from an alley and fall in behind him.
Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more rats come out and follow him.
By the time he's walked to the end of the street, at least a dozen rats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from alleys, basements, and houses. hundreds of rats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing insanely, now not just hundreds, but thousands. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the River Thames, and the trail of rats is now several hundred yards long behind him.
Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown.
Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper. "No," says the man, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Arsenal fan?"
 

apartment for rent

A guy met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "rent for apartment". On the way to the office he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for £250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find cheque in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) it had never been occupied
2) that there was plenty of heat
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for £250 with the following note

Dear Sir
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
 

practice your Irish

Say the following really fast in an Irish accent, then click here for the computer analysis of your accent. (language warning):

Whale, Oil, Beef, Hooked
 

a great writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
 

the symmetry of life

At age   3, success is ... not peeing your pants.
At age 10, success is ... having friends.
At age 20, success is ... having sex.
At age 45, success is ... making money.
At age 70, success is ... having sex.
At age 80, success is ... having friends.
At age 90, success is ... not peeing your pants.
 

tongue twister

Try to say the following without the "R's", then click here for the computer analysis of your attempt. (language warning):

"Robert's retriever has run away"
 

sport of choice

Read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to.

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is Golf.

The Conclusion - The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
 

a new signature?

Something for your .sig file:

--
For all you security seach bots out there (with love from James) :-
JFK, assassination plot, sex, money laundering, blackmail, hacking,
security, encryption, murder, terrorism, CIA, NSA, KGB, Russia, MI5